“He waited in the garden ’til that cat came walking ’round”

On our pseudo-daily walk today, CP told me a story that I felt the need to pass on to my faithful LJ readers. This is a story that was passed on to her by her husband, a carpenter. I smell urban legend, but regardless, it was too good, and too painful to keep to myself. It goes like this:

One of CP’s husband’s carpenter friends and his buddy were working on a home in Vermont a few summers ago. The carpenter decided, as most Vermont carpenters apparently do, to bring his dog with him that day. And because many Vermont home owners are rich snobs, the owner of the home took one look at the dog and said, “I don’t want dogs on my lawn.” So the dog was reluctantly banished to his owner’s truck (with the windows down, of course).

After the home owner left for the day with her young daughter in hand, and because the home was in a remote location, the dog’s owner felt that there would be no harm in letting his little friend out of his vehicular cage to run around for a bit. And so he did. An hour or so later, his dog emerged from behind the house carrying a dead and dirty cat in his mouth. The cat, who, for the sake of the story, will be called Fluffy, had a collar with a tag wrapped around the very same neck on which the dog had been chewing. The collar listed the home owner’s address. The dog owner and his friend silently screamed.

It’s hard to imagine what you’re capable of doing when placed in a situation such as this one. I, for one, might have fainted and then, subsequently run away, never looking back on the home, its owner, and the half-day’s pay I was leaving behind me. Others might have ventured to the local pet store to find a suitable match. Others still might have thrown the cat in the woods and pretended nothing had happened. With this in mind, reader, please do your best to refrain from judging the reaction of the dog owner and his friend. For it’s a reasonable assumption that they must have passed plenty of judgment on themselves as they stood there in their customer’s bathroom, washing and blow drying the dead pet cat’s fur.

After Fluffy’s coat of fur was cleansed as best as could be, the dog owner and his friend decided to place her on a chair near a window, curling her up in a position in which they imagined all pet cats found themselves at one point or another during the day. At this point, with the dog safely back in the car, and the dead cat pretending to be alive, the dog owner and his friend went back to work. As if on cue, shortly thereafter, the home owner and her daughter returned home. As the mother and daughter entered their home, the dog owner and his friend held their breath. A minute or two later, the expected shrieks from the young girl could be heard coming from inside the home.

When all was said and done, the dog owner and his friend learned a lesson on the value of honesty. Though most people would never have told the truth in a situation like that, the shocking heartache the young girl experienced that day could have been avoided if the dog owner and his friend had come clean when they had had the chance. Instead, they had to answer to the home owner and her crying daughter. But seriously, can you blame them for what they did? I mean, honestly, how were they supposed to know that they spent an hour that day cleaning up and placing Fluffy in her family’s home only days after her family had buried her in the backyard?

Our Endless, Numbered Days

One of my best friends told me yesterday that one of her close friends was recently diagnosed with cancer. She discovered a tumor on her chest about 6 weeks ago and within a few weeks, she learned that it was from a rare and nearly-always deadly form of cancer. Adding a sordid kind of vindication to those party ice-breaker “what would you do if you had a week to live?” questions, the doctors informed her not long ago that she will most likely die before this weekend is through and there isn’t anything they can do to help her save giving her medication for the inevitable pain. My friend visited this woman this past weekend to show her support and to, if only on a very respectfully silent level, say goodbye.

Despite crossing paths with this woman four and a half weeks ago (pre-diagnosis), I can say without a doubt that my life has, up until now, never been affected by her, minus one notable exception: something about her rubbed me the wrong way that Saturday and, after coming to a snap judgment as I so often do with strangers, I decided that I didn’t like her. And so here I am today, offering my heart and my ears and my shoulders in an effort to console one of my best friends, while also privately dealing with the illogical guilt that came packaged with the realization that I thought very real negative thoughts about someone who, in a matter of hours, will be in an ultimately deadly pain I could never possibly imagine.

Like I said, my guilt is illogical and my experience with human nature tells me that it’s most likely my own awkward way of dealing with death, even if it is the death of someone seemingly so irrelevant to my life. I’m probably using this feeling of guilt to fill the void left inside of me by the depressing recurring recognition of my own fragile mortality. Lord knows it wouldn’t be the first time I dealt with death in an awkward (read: human) way:

When I was 5 and my great-grandfather died, I spent much of the wake playing hide-and-go-seek around his casket with my cousins; when I was 14 and my grandfather died, I spent most of the week craving isolation and privacy so that I could unleash endless gallons of tears into the world while I embarrassingly sang religious hymns to calm my anxiety; when I was 17 and my high school guidance counselor died, I haphazardly chose the University of Hartford as my next educational stop; when I was 23 and the husband of a coworker committed suicide, I was so angry and sad and depressed that I couldn’t work for two days, even though I had never met the man and had never said more than two words to his wife; when I was 24 and my other grandfather died, I got a tattoo; and when I was 24 and my dog died, I cried more than for all the other deaths combined.

It’s during times like these, when death rules your conscious and subconscious thoughts, that it seems the only antidote for the fear of the unknown is the only other indescribable feeling out there: love. The most obvious case in point is to take a look at the September 11 phone lines that were forever tied up with calls between loved ones. Just as John Lennon said, “God is a concept by which we measure our pain,” I submit that love is a feeling by which we manage our fear of death.

The band Iron & Wine has a song called “Passing Afternoon” that my amateur song-interpreting skills have determined is about a love lost (aren’t all songs about this?). I initially planned to mention the song because it contained the following line, which I thought best described how I’m feeling today: “there are things that drift away like our endless, numbered days.” But close inspection of the song’s lyrics made me realize how similar it is to something I had already written and so now I’ve decided to end this entry with my own words instead.

Let me preface my poem by saying that this most recent encounter with death has reminded me of a lesson I’ve been trying to teach myself for as long as I can remember: life (meaningful or not) disappears quickly, but while we’re here, life isn’t about death so long as it’s about love.

The frost on the tree that sits outside our room
reflects the moonlight of the January night.
Flowers and life are paralyzed by the gloom,
leaving a barren yard suffocated in white.

Our bodies are entwined beneath the sheets of the bed.
We are warm and safe from the winter air.
The February night passes and the morning is spread.
I wake to the scent of your sweet golden hair.

The sun rises over the hills that lay in the east,
casting shadow upon shadow over a desolate March land.
The wind pierces us like an unforgiving beast
as we walk side by side, hand in hand.

The wind dies but the clouds multiply,
hiding the warmth of the April sun for a while.
You glance toward the heavens, shiver and sigh.
I give you my coat, you give me your smile.

The trail ends with the roots of an ancient maple tree
that is thriving from the rich vitamins of May.
I lean against the tree, you lean against me.
Our love is nourished by this warm spring day.

We take a different path on our walk home
and wade through a sea of grass so high.
My heart keeps a beat like a rabid metronome
when we kiss softly underneath the June sky.

I place between your hair and ear
a July wildflower dressed in blue
and while the young flower’s death is near,
its good intentions will remain with you.

We continue walking with less and less ease
as the afternoon surrenders to the torrid August heat.
The trail winds its way through a labyrinth of trees.
Our journey now is nearly complete.

The September day and our pace slow to a crawl
as we see the comforts of our home ahead.
Summer has lost its battle with fall
and withdraws to our memories to bury its dead.

The yard is covered by a rainbow of leaves
that suppress the ground with their dry, brittle skin.
We are chilled by the hands of the brisk October breeze
and retreat to our home, waiting for the night to begin.

The November sun sets over the valley in the west,
coloring the sky like a kaleidoscope.
We lay on the porch with your head on my chest,
watching the horizon dissolve into a spectrum of hope.

I warm you from the cold December air,
kiss you goodnight and watch you drift to sleep.
These days, these months, these years we’ll share,
and this love is what we’ll keep.
© 2005 Mr. Benchly

Thought of the day

Have you ever noticed the similarities between dealing with a break up and drinking until you vomit, and that both seem to be related to the 5 stages of mourning (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance)? Think about it…

Denial. When you’re drinking and you’ve had too much to drink, you think you’re invincible and another drink won’t hurt you. When you break up, you think “this isn’t really happening.”

Anger. When you realize you’ve had one too many drinks and a trip to the bathroom is in your near future, you get upset at yourself and curse your stupidity. When you break up, your anger is directed at your ex or, if you really screwed things up, yourself.

Bargaining. When you’ve reached the point of no return, you start thinking things like “maybe if I drink lots of water and eat lots of bread, things will turn around in my favor” or “maybe if I rest a little here on the floor where it’s quiet, I can make myself better.” When you break up, you think things like “maybe if I show her I’m not so needy, she’ll want me back” or “maybe if I change who I am, she’ll like me better.”

Depression. When you realize all the bargaining in the world isn’t going to keep you from throwing up, you slump on the bathroom floor, sad that you’ve ruined another perfectly good night with too many drinks. When you break up, you find it hard to wake up in the morning and to push the tears back into your eyes.

Acceptance. At some point during your sadness, you come to terms with the inevitable vomit and you say “bring it on!” as you stick your finger down your throat. At some point after a break up, you realize it was for the best and, as your mother actually embarrassingly said 12 years ago, “there are other fish in the sea.”

Just a thought.

My Universe…

Considering the many personalities I’ve introduced in the last month, I thought it best that I recap:

Friends: Montana Girl, CAT, Sarah the L, Mr. Mikes (Sarah the L’s girl), Ms. Parker, Mr. Billings, Significant Other Cross (Mr. Billings’ significant other), Young Dude, CP, and Cousin J (though she might say differently).

Roommate: The Virgin Mary

Enemies: The Prick

Loser Cruiser passengers: Al Bundy, Cute Rainbow Belt Lesbian Biker Girl, Road Rage Man, Helen, Mustache Man, Duck Girl, Make Out Woman, Cute Washington Plates Girl, Fun Curly Haired Teacher Guy

Cats: Sherbert, Shu-Shu, Othello

Cars: Inga Beep the Jeep