At work, I was recently asked why I had a fear of pools/water and so I described in vivid detail, the events that transpired over 20 years ago that, to this day, still greatly affect me. During this global-warming-reminder of a summer, when water is our source of sweet relief, I think that maybe we could all benefit from this lesson-learned in water safety. And so, without further ado, I present my dramatic retelling of the Infamous Benchly Waterslide Incident of 1984:
Oh! the Infamous Benchly Waterslide Incident of 1984, a dark stain on our family’s history. It was a hot summer day not unlike today, and my family ventured to the water park in Lake George, NY. With trepidation, I climbed the stairs with Papa Benchly to the top of the highest* waterslide in the park. The waterslide waters were fast** that day, my friends! But with encouragement from my father, I placed my 7-year-old body on the slide and pushed off into the dark, abysmally unknown water world. Five seconds later, as I slid faster and faster down this wet labyrinth, unbeknownst to me, in an effort to expedite the wait in line, the park attendee was forcing Papa Benchly to push off into the same slide despite his loud, vocal protest in which he cited various kinetic formulas. As I quickly neared the end of this ride, I slowly gained confidence in my ability to master the slippery world of water, but this ride was not to have a happy ending; indeed, it nearly had a tragic one. For as I reached the bottom, and with Mama Benchly standing in the pool with her loving arms outstretched, ready to catch me, Papa Benchly proved his various kinetic theorems by crashing into me and pushing me to the bottom of the pool. Emotionally crushed by my father’s apparent attempt to murder me, I lost sight of any reason to live and decided to stay below the surface. If it wasn’t for Mama Benchly, who snatched me out of the waters and carried me to shore, I might not be here today.
*Exaggeration.
**Unconfirmed. The waterslide park in question refused to comment on said accusations.
Benchly'sword 