I go through these phases. These anti-social, anti-people, anti-doing, anti-anti, anti-everything phases. Mama Benchly would call it depression. Of course, she thinks the world is depressed. I’ve stopped going to her to talk about things like this because it only ever ends up with her diagnosing me as utterly hopeless and in need of some serious medication. Instead, I fight through the phases by myself. I don’t call it depression. I call it Being Benchly (BB).
Some but not all symptoms of BB:
1. I become irritable at everything, big or small. Take, for instance, my posting a week ago about the Great Snoring Banishment of 2004. In the grand scheme of things, not a big deal at all. During BB though, it’s HUGE. I pick fights with people whether they deserve it or not.
2. To avoid picking fights with friends, I withdraw from any interaction with them. I don’t answer the phone as often as I normally do. And I hardly ever return phone calls. I turn down offers to hang out citing excuses as truthful as “I’m not feeling well” and excuses as unbelievable as “Sorry, I might be going to Alabama this weekend.”
3. To justify staying home and not seeing friends, I tell myself I’m going to accomplish those tasks that always seem one rainy day away from being finished. For example:
a). The 2004 Purging of Unwanted Benchly’s Stuff (PUBS);
b). The Photo Album Project of 2003 (PAP);
c). The Great Reorganization Of Benchly’s Style (GROBS) in which I donate old clothes to Salvation Army and purchase new clothes on clearance racks.
3.1. I never accomplish these tasks and instead, watch movies or TV. Occasionally, I read. But typically, reading annoys me during BB, too.
4. Rather than save money by grocery shopping and preparing my own meals, I either eat out, or eat crap.
Now you can see why Mama Benchly calls it depression. And you know what, it probably is. Hell, it runs in the family anyway. But I refuse to believe that this problem and these phases I go through are only beatable through medication or counseling. Why can’t I do my thing for a few days, be aware of the funk I’m in, consciously force myself to beat the funk, move on, and repeat as necessary? I have to believe that this is possible because if it isn’t, then I have to deal with the fact that I’m not a complete person on my own. And I’m not ready to deal with that.
So if I haven’t responded to your emails yet, or if I haven’t returned your phone calls yet, or if I picked a fight about something stupid, or if I don’t feel like hanging out right now, please take note of the aforementioned and wait a day or two. I’ll be around soon.
Benchly'sword 